Leave Me Alone – a rant

I’m a loner. So even if I was born to an enormous family, who seems to love our tiny apartment, I don’t like socializing with people much or too intimately. I hate holding hands. I hate hugs. I hate kisses. What I do want is for people to stay at least an arm’s length away from me. One of the things I want right now is to be left alone. I don’t mean that in a way that I'm ready to pack up my things, go to the mountains and become a hermit, although to me that doesn’t sound as bad as it may to others.

My point is that I'm an introvert in a world brimming full of hyperactive, tailing extroverts.

Yes, this is a rant about how I can't seem to get peace, most especially when there are more than three people in my house at a time.

I was born into a world where I can take control of what I want. I'm not kept on a foot long leash, I have freedom, and I have the right to that freedom. I have always had the choice of what I wanted to do, of course within the bounds of “Is this all right for me?” “Or will this hurt me or not?” My mother had always, let me emphasize that always loved the company of people when I was younger. She kept on saying that I was something like a Sunflower, constantly smiling and happy (and hyperactive, BTW – I noticed that this is my most used abbreviation…).

But, I have grown up. I don’t move much, I consider myself quite apathetic Frankie will vouch for that. So I don’t care much for the world and whatever goes on with it, perhaps that isn't quite the right word. It isn't that I don’t care, I do, I want to be kept aware of the on goings of others – although that could be considered snooping and curiosity rather than true concern. It’s just that I've made it a point to myself that I don’t want to be really, personally, involved in it.

I'm also apathetic in the form that even though I can sense that something’s troubling someone or something, but couldn’t care less if they were in pain or not. True, it does induce some sympathy from me, but hardly enough for me to really be concerned of their well-being.

Call me a psychopath, and I wouldn’t care. I'd just laugh about it in your face.

I don’t like, hardly enjoy it, when people are all hug-hug, kiss-kiss, lambing-lambing with me. So what if we’re close? I don’t care. Stay away from me before I become nasty. Do you notice my look of annoyance or my sudden jerking away? Take a clue when you see it before I snap. And I don’t doubt that my snapping, as are as it is, will be nasty.

This post has basically been triggered by my cousins. (I'm typing this in between studying for Chinese… I don’t want to have to order them away forcibly, I want to save myself a scolding as well. I know they're kids, about ten and six, I think.

I've been very patient with them. A lot of this patience has been faked actually. I overheard my aunts saying that I've matured and so on whatever crap. Please. I'm trying, but don’t go off and make such absurd assumptions. I'd much rather kick them out than let them play Sims on my laptop, when I could be doing something that I profit from. After all, I don’t really care about them much.

My door has two “notices” on them. I'm not sure exactly what you call them, but those are the boards you can buy at hardware stores and stick on wherever you want. Anyway, the two signs say, “Restricted Area” and “Private”. I bought them ages ago and they're beginning to dust.

My mom asked me why I wanted to buy them, I never gave her a straight answer because I didn’t want to hurt her and throw her into her tampo-tampo mode. But after ages of wanting to say it out loud, I’ll finally proclaim it here. “I put them there because I mean it. I don’t put posters on a door just for the heck of it – that is if I did. I try to do things that will achieve something, anything, regardless of how shallow. If I put an Initial D poster there, it means that I'm proclaiming that, I love Initial D. If I put ‘Restricted Area’ and ‘Private’, that means what it means. You don’t need a dictionary or an encyclopedia of Why Girls Act This Way, and What It Really Means. Sometimes I think people just are blind – either that or stupid. Private means private, stay away – duh! Restricted Area means you cannot enter without written permission of the occupant – that of course was an exaggeration. My oral permission is more than enough. But that’s basically what I want. I want people to respect what I want. And what I want is to be left alone.”

Dani, if you read this, I really mean it when I act like I don’t like it when you go off and play with me hair. I AM NOT A FRIGGIN DOLL! I don’t let my mom fix or do whatever what she wishes with my hair, and neither will I allow you to.

“I hate holding hands, I hate hugs, I hate kisses, I hate it when you have to go on and show your affection to a person through physical ways like this. Can't we be satisfied with the relationship in itself? I don’t need to feel it physically to appreciate a feeling of love. If I feel it emotionally, that’s enough. If I love you, I'd make you feel it without have to touch you. If I don’t do that, then I probably don’t care much about you.”